Fighting the Pain
November 24, 2009
Filed under Opinion, Top Stories
Statistics say that about 20% of teens will suffer from depression before they reach adulthood. photo by Miah Davis
Tears of anger, pain, and hatred stream down my face. I’m going through something called depression. For years I have been suffering with it, but never had the courage to say anything about it until now. At first I was afraid to tell my story, but I thought to myself that maybe if I’m going through something then other students might be also.
2:00 a.m. September 9th- I woke up in the middle of the night again for the second time this week. About three years ago I started having nightmares about horrible things that happen to my family or me. Once again I’m breathing hard, sweating and shaking. I feel that depression has ruined my life. I don’t even find joy in things like I use to. I’ve started on about four different books, but unfortunately after a certain amount of time, I don’t feel the passion to write them anymore. It’s like a sickness I cannot avoid.
8:15 a.m. – I feel worn out and tired. It took me about an hour to go back to sleep. My body is aching and head is spinning. I wish I could go home and the day just started.
10:30 a.m. – I feel withdrawn from the rest of my class. I plaster on a fake smile and pretend that everything is okay. Not even the phony smile can hide my true feelings. My classmates keep asking what’s wrong. To be honest I don’t even know how to answer the question. I just reply “nothing” because I know no one else can help me.
1:56 p.m. – I finish up writing my paper and wonder to myself if I put my heart in to it. Of course I didn’t. What’s the point? It’s not like anyone cares, no one cares. I just want to sleep my pain away. The only time I seem to have peace is when I am sleeping and not having nightmares.
11:48 p.m. - I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking. Why does this keep happening to me? I lay here looking at the ceiling and every so often I write something down. I want to scream. Tears are streaming down my face.
5:00 a.m. – September 10th- Time to wake up. My body is so tired and it hurts. I don’t feel like getting out of bed this morning. I don’t want to deal with anybody today. If I could just stay home that would be fine.
7:10 a.m. – I feel so withdrawn. I wish I could be happy like my friends. This morning I couldn’t even hide my sadness. It’s like everybody seems so happy and has no cares in the world. Why can’t my life be like that? What is my purpose here on earth?
8:40 a.m. – We (seniors) just took a picture of our entire class. I had to fixate a generic smile for the camera. I’m not even that happy about it being my senior year! That’s crazy I should be jumping for joy, but instead I’m just thinking “what’s the use?” I still have six more years of school left after this. I know that’s crazy isn’t it? But there’s no point because I know this time next year I’ll just be a freshman again.
11:15 a.m. – A joke was just told and it was pretty funny, but I couldn’t even force myself to laugh. It feels like I don’t have a sense of humor anymore.
2:00 p.m. – My teacher just asked if I was engaged. You’d think that I would be happy to tell her about it, but it’s like I have no joy. I had to even put on a fake voice and smile just to answer the question. I feel tired and worn out once again. I’m going to be strong in front of people. I’m not known to be sensitive and I’m not going to start now.
4:58 p.m. –Today was a really hard day. I thought I could handle this, but I guess not. I’m glad no one else is here because I’m not in the talking mood. I’m going to rest.
6:30 p.m. – I thought I was going to go to sleep, but I’ve just been laying here in the same spot for the last hour and thirty minutes. Lately, it’s been either I eat too much, feel bad and wake up screaming or don’t eat at all and wake up shaking, sweaty and hungry.
8:35 p.m. – I want to talk to my fiancé and my mom and tell them all of my problems, but I don’t think they will understand. No one can help me! It’s as if I’m on a desert island by myself. Today I couldn’t even force myself to eat as usual. I want to just yank my hair out of my head. I mean I might as well because it’s coming out in clumps anyway. What’s the point of growing hair?
10:15 p.m. – I can’t seem to fall asleep. I’m up and alert looking out the window at complete darkness. I’m trapped inside some type of cage and there’s no way out. I want to be free from this.
5:15 a.m. – Time to get up. I feel a little bit better today. That’s what I hate about being depressed. Some days are better than most. At least I’m ready to get up. Truth be told, I know today is going to end up bad, because I woke up late but, at least I’m getting a ride to school and don’t have to ride so many buses.
7:15 a.m. – I looked at my senior picture on the front of my binder. Even in the picture I look like I’m going through things. Everybody who sees the picture thinks that I was just posing, but to be honest, I didn’t even enjoy myself on what should have been one of the best days of my life.
8:50 a.m. – I thought writing this was going to be easy, but it’s not. I never realized that I’m doing all this to myself. In this class everything is so silent and I can hear myself thinking too much. Pure torture! I’m looking at a picture on the wall. The setting is on the top of some mountain. I wish I could be there and have total peace.
Starting this article I thought that maybe sharing my story could help someone in the same position that I’m in. How can I help somebody else if I can’t even help myself? It’s unbelievable! My life has turned into a prison where I have locked myself away from peace. The only things I feel are pain and sorrow for the most part. I know there’re people out there who can relate to my story, but are too shy or withdrawn to tell anybody about it. My suggestion is to write it down. It helps take away the pain because no one has to know your thoughts unless you want them to. I try to keep a diary of my life on a day to day bias to help me really understand what’s wrong with me. One day I know I’m going to make it out of this prison I put myself into, but for now I’m just trying to stay afloat and survive. If this sounds like you in any way you should get some help. It’s hotline numbers that you can contact to help you get through this. One number you can call is 1-800-273-TALK. The people there can help you understand and help you work through your problems. Also it’s helpful for you to talk to someone such as an counselor, friend, or anyone you trust and maybe they know someone who has been in the same situation as you and can help you make it through.
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